Is it weird that the very same characters that I created myself are helping me get through my depression? I really don’t how else I can explain the phenomenon, but I can actually just close my eyes and just like have a conversation with them. And it honestly just makes me feel better. I mean it also makes me feel like a total idiot for being too anxious or too sulking to realize it before. However, it can’t be completely weird to be positively influenced by someone else right? But what if that someone is just a voice in your head? It’s crazy to wrap my head around it honestly, but I can actually just take a deep breath and sort of step out of my life and into these characters’ lives. For a few minutes I just completely forget all my troubles and suddenly their troubles are exponentially more important. But it’s just me. It’s just all me.
Looking back on the months of literally not having the energy or the courage to get out of bed, I realize that I’m pretty much the same person. There hasn’t been a come to Jesus moment or any sort of intervention from my friends or even from my family (like I would ever tell them in the first place). It’s actually just me. A driving force inside me subconsciously is propelling myself forward, if I can even call it subconscious at this point. It’s just so… So breathtaking (see what I did there) to live vicariously through someone else whose life is completely under my instinctual control.
I’m not sure if I would go as far as to say that I’m talented or whatever but I certainly always took that ability (or whatever you want to call it) to completely immerse myself in fiction for granted. And it never really occurred to me that this is why I liked writing so much. For so long, I always thought I just did it as a creative outlet or that I was just decent enough to produce something someone might read. I’m really doing it for myself, just like this particular blog post. And if someone happens to read what I write, that’s great too.
This blog always has been, and always will be, a therapeutic thing for me. For those of you that have been here since I started it about eight months ago, I’ve really just come here to put my ideas, my thoughts, my feelings in one place. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s gotten to some pretty morose moments, like so depressing that I’m surprised anyone even read them let alone liked them. For instance, usually when I write a poem at all, one of four things has happened: a) I’ve had a cool dream, b) I’m not feeling too hot and need a way to get cryptically get my emotions out, c) I just heard some cool lyrics and thought it’d be fun to play with them, or d) I just forgot or didn’t have time to write a thoughtful post. But anyway, I’m more thankful than you’ll ever realize for all of you who’ve followed this blog. Presumably, you’ve seen me at my worst, but, in light of recent discoveries, you’ll finally get to see me at my best. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get lost in my mind again.